The bigger your box office collection, the bigger your star power, the more chances you have of making it to this illustrious list. Of course you also need to have sucked enough for me to take notice.
So presenting in chronological order, to the tune of drumrolls, the Worst Bollywood Movies of 2013.
(Dimaag Ka) Rape 2
Draw four points – A, B, C and D. Now draw as many lines as possible between any two of them so that you have space for no more. If the four points represent Saif Ali Khan, Deepika Padukone, John Abraham and Jacqueline Fernandez and the lines represent betrayal, you have the plot of Race 2. The focus entirely is on showing off swanky automobiles and other things in the manner of swanky. A bad beginning for the year.
ABCD: Any Body Can Direct
ABCD has some of the most eye popping music videos ever seen on the Indian screen. But everything in between is terribly amateurish. Think of a dance movie cliché and you will find it here. Its as if Remo D’Souza only concentrated on the choreography and kept everything else on auto-pilot. When Prabhu Deva dances, his feet barely touch the ground, but when he acts, his eyes barely come off the ground.
The first Aashiqui succeeded because it had a tremendous score by Nadeem-Shravan. Aashiqui 2 seems to have one song played over and over again. Add to that an inept performance by Aditya Roy Kapoor. Gestures completely bypass his visage. Shraddha Kapoor fares a little better but really, what are we comparing her with? How this film was one of the bigger hits of the year is a mystery. Sun raha hai na, so raha hu main…
Himmatwala: A Sajid Khan Brain-damager
Many years from today, when some bored movie buff will compile a list of the worst movies ever made in Bollywood, Sajid Khan’s Himmatwala will merit consideration. A remake that never should have been made, it is difficult to find language strong enough to put it down. Every scene, every aspect of the film infuriates you. Which only makes one wonder…was this intentional?
Yeh Kahaani Hai Purani
While writing about Average Bollywood films for 2013, I wrote that any film with Ranbir Kapoor can’t be altogether boring Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani proves me wrong. With Wake Up Sid, Ayan Mukherji emerged as a new voice from the Dharma stables. But with Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani he has remolded himself in their image. This is a patch work of so many Yashraj-Dharma movies. A bespectacled repressed heroine, a mischief mongering hero, a journey of self-realisation, a household buried under wedding preparations, the heroine already hooked up with someone else, etc. etc. You have not just seen it all before, you are also tired of it.
Ghanchakkar Kya Hai
The WTF movie of the year. Up until a certain point in the movie…to be precise the bank robbery scene, I thought this was going to be one interesting watch. Emran Hashmi in a role that requires him to more than pucker up and Vidya Balan providing able support. But then it started get more and more bizarre. The last scene shot in a local train is easily the greatest WTF scene of the year. As Vidya Balan’s character would have said – “Hayyyynnnn!”
Is there any actor more annoying than a Shah Rukh Khan hamming it up like there is no tomorrow. Every time he says “Don’t underestimate the power of a common man”, I feel like uprooting the armrests and flinging them at the screen. Deepika Padukone puts on a Tamil accent which Tamil speakers tell me is completely out of place. But anything goes to please the masses. Just because, the South Indian market also needs to be captured, include a larger than life poster of Rajnikant and make a song-n-dance about it. The worst part is all of this actually works at the box office!
I thought that between the first Masti and the two Kya Cool movies, all cheap comedy and double meaning jokes had been exhausted. But then why not repeat the same puns again. So you have takes on bananas, coconuts, lemons, pussies and other such metaphors for genitalia. Even scenes have been lifted straight from Hollywood films. When you start noticing the vulgarity in a sex comedy, you know things haven’t quite gone right for the writers.
If you have kids, expose them to stuff like Tom and Jerry or Mickey Mouse or Giant Robot. By showing them this tripe (and you have, Rs. 200 crore can’t be wrong), you are permanently damaging their good taste. They will grow up appreciating bad special effects, indifferent acting and a superhero who isn’t super. Another sequel has been threatened. We need a Cine-Man to rescue us from Krrish.
Ever so frequently, Aamir Khan comes out with movies that make us question his credibility as an actor. Mangal Pandey, Ghajini and now Dhoom 3. Playing an autistic character, his name is more Khan than Rainman. As for the movie, it is the weakest entry in an already weak franchise. Vijay Krishna Acharya keeps repeating gimmicks over and over again until the film finally ends. Though I don’t think it’s going put an end to the franchise.